Political Cartel

Over the summer I worked for a congressman (as a manager) who is going to win a senate seat this November. It was an awesome job, getting a few bucks to talk politics with people at parties and do office work, etc. However, there was one part about it, canvassing, that I didn’t appreciate about as much. On the other hand, there were some “redeeming” qualities about it. 

1.        I was walking along a country road outside of Albuquerque, with the highway to my left and a tall white fence to my right.  Because I was walking in an unfamiliar neighborhood, I was paying attention to my map, and every so often, I would look up so I didn’t trip, and at one point, I looked up to see three large balls of grey fluff. I thought to myself, “This is the south valley, in the country. Oh well, it can’t really be anything”.  As I made it about three-quarters away from the start of this field, I began to feel a hard knocking upon my right shoulder and back. My initial instinct was to swing, so I let a left hook fly, which didn’t land anywhere but air. As my eyes finally gaze upon my attacker, I realize that those seemingly harmless ‘dust balls’ were actually ostriches. As my mind catches up to the reality that my attacker will not be held of by diplomacy, I quickly escorted myself quite a distance from the site of the unruly ostriches.

2.      Where: South Valley, Albuquerque NM.
         When: August 5, 2008 4:24 pm.                                                                                                              What: Two young sheep head-butted me upon my entrance to the standard front yard that they reside in. In my initial surveillance of the property, these two suspects were immobile and thus, looking fake.

Why: I don’t know, I’ve never had mutton.

3.       “Is Mark Alvarez home?” “I don’t know ‘holmes’, I don’t live here, go away.”

4.      “Hi, my name is Andrew, I’m here from the Tom Udall campaign, and I was wondering if we can count on your support for Tom in November?” “I haven’t made up my mind yet, now that Hillary Clinton lost the primaries” “Umm… ma’am, that’s a different election” “I know, but now that she lost, I’m re-thinking everything.” “Oh… have a nice day.” “ENJOY!”

5.      “Hi, my name is Andrew, I’m here from the Tom Udall campaign, and I was wondering if we can count on your vote for Tom in November?” “I don’t know what you mean by … voting” “Umm… wow… at the polls, does that help?” “Oh! I’m not voting this year!” “Would it help if you voted by mail?” “Go away young man!”

 The next few are rated PG-13 to R. The weak of heart or stomach should cease reading immediately.

6.      “Hi, my name is Andrew, I’m here from the Tom Udall campaign, and I was wondering if we can count on your support for Tom in November?” “Oh, hmm… can you come back later? I’m naked and I just got home.” “Ahh, well, I don’t actually have time ma’am, I’m sorry for catching you at a bad time.” “Haha, It’s alright, I really don’t mind.” [Personal commentary: she was 54 years old, she also wasn’t aware that although her screen door is nearly opaque, it is not, which did not bode well for my perfect eyesight. It has been burned into my brain.]

7.      In the southwest, adobe houses are quite common, and aesthetically pleasing too. This particular one had an adobe wall surrounding a small entry way to the front door. I rang the doorbell, and the man sticks his head out of a small window in this wall and says “Hey, so… would you mind coming back later? I’m uhh… well… kinda… hmm… well I’m naked.” “Actually, I’m sorry sir; I don’t have time today, and have a good one though.”

8.      “Hi, my name is Andrew, I’m here from the Tom Udall campaign, and I was wondering if we can count on your support for Tom in November?” “I’m not interesting in politics, sorry.” [this is a fairly standard response, however, the interesting part of this middle-aged woman is that she was wearing leopard print lingerie. She should not have been wearing leopard print lingerie, not by my own volition, she was just that ugly.]

9.      I rang the doorbell, the husband of the family answers via the intercom system. “Hi, what can I do for you?” the background ambiance was not of a running shower, music or a television, but of a moaning wife. Therefore I reply with a quick “Have fun!” and promptly leave the premises.

10.   As I walk up to the front door I realize that the main door is open, and the other door is glass, and behind this glass door was a woman wearing nothing but underwear. She immediately turns around and lets out a yelp of being startled, ergo I quickly turn around to leave, however she opens the door, “No, no, it’s okay, you just scared me.  What can I do for you?”

11.     “Hi, my name is Andrew, I’m here from the Tom Udall campaign, and I was wondering if we can count on your support for Tom in November?” “I’ll tell you what you can count on, would you like to come inside for a drink there cutie?” “Well, I’d love to, but I’m at work right now…” “Aww, what a shame. You never know where we could have ended up.”

The weak of heart and/or stomach reader may now continue reading.

12.    The next house’s occupants did not answer the door; however it deserves mention because of its décor. Signs in the yard advertising “magic happens”. A final count of seven black felines running around the front and side yards. A bust of a male smoking a cigarette with a paintbrush protruding from the top of the skull while red paint seeps down from the entry point. After I ring the doorbell, a crow begins to… well… crow profusely.

13.    The next incident was not at an actual door; however a large man wearing black sweat clothes in June had been following me around this particular neighborhood. Eventually I was irritated with this behavior, so I stood in the middle of the street and kept a solid glare upon his stature. He then decided it was best to not escalate the conflict and dove into the large juniper bush near his locale not to be seen again.

14.   In the south valley again, a yard was full of ducks, and as I opened the gate to enter the property, they began storming me, and from my experience taunting ducks at the lake, I know that a ducks bite.  It really does hurt quite a bit. So I closed the gate and left.

15.    Props to the countless bums that ask for money, and what I was doing. Double props to the amazing individuals who offered me cold bottles of water.

16.   As I was walking to a house, the doorway had a significant amount of ivy thriving amongst it and apparently I startled a few hummingbirds nesting. This surprise made them fly the “coop” and in mid-flight, my forehead made contact with the bird’s very sharp beak.

17.    After the new owner of the home that I had approached informed me that the family I requested had moved, he pointed to my Udall shirt and said “And I DON’T support HIM!” “Okay, I’m just looking for the ones I asked for anyways” “I think he’s in jail!” To this I look at my sheet (which has voter information) and say “An eighty-five year old man?” “Uhh… yeah! All I know is I had to go down to the sub-station to sign some papers when I bought the house.” “Heh. Heh. Gotcha, sorry about that sir.”