Political Cartel

Here’s a short satire I wrote. I’m hoping to create a mess.

Year 2017

Justice Alito, a stalwart of the Republican party in his growing age and failing health, lead many Republicans to ponder the pending political doom. The sitting president, a Democrat from Oregon who had, in his college years, attached himself to an offshore drilling platform in order to prevent what he perceived as an encroachment on the mollusk population was certain to appoint a replacement who would line up with his heart-felt political world-view. In their desperate attempt to keep their longest faithful adherent on the bench, the Republicans put Alito into cryogenic freezing. That way, whenever a cure for his ailment would be found, he could quickly be put on the bench and fight to prevent Federal interference on states’ rights for another 75 years.

25 years later, a cure for his disease was found. In a highly publicized event, Alito was brought out of freezing and began being restored to health. Two weeks later, when he was revitalized and ready to start deciding on the bench again, a problem arose. When Alito was put into freezing, it was presumed that he had died and the President placed a new Justice in his place, a circuit judge named Ralph Zilch, a sympathizer to gun restrictions, abortion rights, and communism. But ever since the 1860s the court size had statutorily set at nine. However, constitutionally once a justice has been appointed, they have the tenure for life. The ten Supreme Court justices stared at each other dumbfounded as they entered the court ready to rule on a case involving computer chips planted in secret service agents’ brains allowing them to perceive stress levels in

The knee-jerk reaction of the Democrats was to conclude that the Judiciary Act of 1869 is unconstitutional. They reasoned that if the law stood, it would require a sitting justice to lose his tenure, an action that would violate Article Three of the constitution. However, the Republicans argued that the unconstitutional act was actually the appointment of the replacement justice in the first place. As long as Alito was still technically alive, the Supreme Court should have proceeded with only eight justices. And besides, it would be wrong to declare a whole law unconstitutional simply because it was not followed.

The justices decided to take a day off to figure out what ought to happen. Commentators felt that Congress ought to make an amendment to the Judiciary Act of 1869 but neither party was willing to compromise. Leaving the Act would be a blow to the Democrats. Amending it would be a blow to the Republicans. Debate ensued but nothing ever came out of Congress. One justice decided that the Supreme Court should be put on trial. Alito would be put on trial against Zilch and the other eight justices would decide. In one of the strangest cases ever, the court heard Alito v. Zilch.

Now you get to decide, how do you rule on this case?